Emotional Regulation

Our emotions are data. They are information that much like personal data, needs processing. Processing emotions has many steps. I have listed them here to help you understand how this works.

Step 1: Feeling it in your body

Emotions don’t just live in the brain. They impact the whole body. You may recognise that you struggle to know what you are feeling, and answer with “weird” or “I don’t know”. If this is you, step 1 is vital. First recognise what sensations you can feel in your body and where. Is it pressure in the chest, a tingling sensation in the stomach, a hot face or tight jaw? Once this is located you can describe the sensation fully and maybe pick up on other subtle signs that you had not spotted before.

Step 2: Use colour or an object to project onto

If after feeling it in your body, you are still unsure of the emotions name. You can look around you to find an object or metaphor that helps you to describe it. It could be a indoor cactus, symbolising that you may be feeling defensive, angry or aggitated. It could be a soft cushion, representing warmth, comfort and feeling content. The importance here is that you don’t take someone elses interpretation of the object, you express your own.

Alternatively you can use colour, like red might mean angry or feeling loved. Blue might be calm, sad and tired. This is helpful as it is calling on your subconcious part of your mind. The pre-verbal part of the brain that can identify without language and uses signs and symbols instead. This can be automatic and happen quickly. The trick is not to try and understand “why” you are drawn to that object or colour, but to go with it. Sooner or later your concious will catch up and put words to it for you.

Step 3: Use an emotion wheel or cards to label the emotion

Once you have a good idea of where it is in your body, how that is affecting you and what object or colour it is similar too, you might be able to label it now. If you are still struggling with this, you can use an emotion wheel (available online for free) or emotion cards to spot what it is you are feeling. Be aware that you can have multiple feleings at once, which is why sometimes they all get clumped into one category, like “weird”. Pick out as many as you like until you are done.

Step 4: Ask yourself what this emotion needs

The final step here is to acknowledge your emotion. Not all emotions need something, they just might want to be there for a while. Sadness might need to cry for a while until it eases or it might need to be witnessed by another. Anger might be telling you that someone has crossed a line and it wants you to advocate for yourself and say no. Anxiety might be telling you that you are fearful of a potential future threat and that it needs some comfort. You might want to make a cup of tea, ask for a hug from someone or watch your favourite movie.

Step 5: Choose wisely

Up until this point, you may have habitual responses to your emotions. You might be very reactive when it comes to anger and become defensive and aggressive immediately, or if you feel embarrassed you might cry straight away. Once you know what emotion you are dealing with, by using the steps above, you can then respond in a different way. Awareness comes first, then the pause, then choosing a different behaviour to one that may have previously been automatic. This takes time and you need space in order to slow your brain’s responses down. Sometimes you might need to walk away, or to hold your tounge, where you may have previously launched into a row. A general rule, is to try and do the opposite to what you previsouly would have done.

Lastly…

Be kind to yourself. You will not master this overnight and that is ok. You have spent alot of your life responding in one way, and your brain is used to that. Give it time and compassion to change track.